Rebuilding your self-trust is something I’m passionate about sharing with all women, and particularly those who work for themselves. A few weeks ago I had a photoshoot with the genius who is Kitty. It felt like a big step for my business, but I deeply trust that I’m ready for it. I trust myself. And I trust my decisions. That’s not to say I don’t have wobbles where I question myself and doubt myself – of COURSE I have wobbles, everyone has wobbles – but I now have tools to help myself move past a wobble, to help me look within rather than looking for external answers and validation.
In my 20s I looked outside of myself for answers
It took a lot of work to get to this stage – in my 20s I didn’t trust myself at all. I had no idea what I really wanted. On the surface I was going along with the crowd as it seemed like the “safe” thing to do. But just below the surface there was a knowing that the corporate 9-5, the rat race, the “marriage, kids and career” that is expected of women my age, wasn’t for me. And in my 20s instead of letting this come to the surface, I squashed it deeper inside – I didn’t trust myself, so I looked outside myself for answers and society provided me with a definition of success. It didn’t feel good.
10 years ago, if you’d asked me what I want in life I would have done one of these 3 things:
- buried my head in the sand and changed the subject – quite likely flipping it around and asking about you instead
- assumed that what I want is what the people around me want so I would have reeled off some of my friends and colleagues’ goals
- thought of a few things in my head but immediately squashed them, believing that those goals aren’t for people like me
In my 30s, I realised rebuilding your self-trust is essential
Now it’s different. I’ve realised rebuilding your self-trust is essential, particularly when you work for yourself. Over the last 5 years I’ve started actually listening to that inner rebel voice who says things like:
- “you totally could pay off your mortgage and buy a campervan by the time you’re 40”
- “taking a month off at Christmas seems totally doable”
- “yes, paddleboarding in the middle of a workday is the best thing for you right now”
- “putting your health first is a business strategy that will never fail you”
And when I hear my inner rebel saying things like this, I trust her. In fact, she’s never been wrong. Because my inner rebel ignores all the “shoulds”, she ignores the expectations of society and the people close to me, and she just has my best interests at heart.
The inner rebel vs the inner good girl
In my head I generally have two voices – my inner rebel and my inner good girl. Sometimes my inner critic pops up for a chat too, and I’ll also swing by regularly for a catch up and some advice from my inner mentor. But day to day it’s the rebel and good girl who are present.
My inner good girl is predominantly a people pleaser. She wants praise and external validation. A good girl wants to be seen as kind and helpful and nice. She wants my parents to be proud of me. My inner good girl doesn’t really care what I want, she just wants to live a “normal”, safe, comfortable life. She thinks following the crowd is safe and easy. She thinks a 9-5 job would suit me, mainly because that’s what I “should” be doing at my age. My inner good girl makes me question my choice to be child-free, because a good girl should be married with 2 kids by my age.
On the other hand, my inner quiet rebel is comfortable with forging her own path. She’s independent and knows what she wants. She doesn’t really care what other people are doing or what other people think of her. My inner rebel hates the word should and gives me permission to stop saying yes to society’s expectations and obligations. She is excited by possibility and thinks the good girl needs to stop trying to make her play small!
Do you need a personal trainer for your self-trust?
Having this deep sense of self-trust is like a muscle – the more you practise the easier it gets. My inner good girl still manages to pop up fairly regularly with her people pleasing tendencies and desire to make my parents proud, but I know she’s just trying to keep me safe so I just kindly remind her to hush and let me get on with being a quiet rebel.
If you’d like a personal trainer for rebuilding your self-trust, book a discovery call now. I’ve got tried and tested tools and techniques up my sleeve to guide you towards a life where your inner rebel rules and you’re no longer stuck being the “good girl”. It’s time to give yourself permission to forge your own path in life and business.